


Irresistible Force Paradox

by LavworthMyWay



Category: Neon Genesis Evangelion
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Soulmate-Identifying Marks, Soulmates
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-05-28
Updated: 2017-05-28
Packaged: 2018-10-30 16:31:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 8,656
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10880637
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LavworthMyWay/pseuds/LavworthMyWay
Summary: Kaworu wasn't one to let his life be dictated by fate. He wrote his own story; the universe wasn't welcomed to hold the pen. Shinji dared not take the risk to put his heart out, for fear that he was setting himself up for pain and disappointment like always. This is a story of two reluctant people, bound to each other by the strings of fate, and their destined encounters.





	Irresistible Force Paradox

_You forgot this._

Kaworu always noticed the tiniest of details. He prided himself in being observant, scrutinising and analysing every possibility. Call him curious, call him nosy, but he relished in picking apart every piece of information. He knew his mother adds two sugar cubes to her tea every morning. He observed that his father saves cherry tomatoes for the last during dinner because they were his favourite.

Kaworu appreciated the idea of soulmates. His parents were meant for each other and they were so sweet together it honestly embarrassed him a little. But like everything else, he questioned it. What decided that humans were assigned soulmates, and for what purpose? If people preached about the importance of free will, why did many still conform to the system of soulmates? Did people bond with their soulmates because they were meant to be, or because they had the pre-conceived notion that they were _the one_?

He’s seen protests on the streets and the internet. Arguments against the soulmate system and its flaws. Why were people designated to only one person to love for the rest of their lives? Why couldn’t people have both _Romantic_ and _Platonic_ soulmates instead of having just either one? The majority was still in favour of the system, but an increasing number of people refused to conform to it. Some said they’ve met their soulmates but decided to remain as friends. Kaworu noticed that another portion of them eventually admitted changing their minds after they met their soulmates, however. More and more celebrities would come out and announce their decision to love and wed their undesignated lovers. There was some criticism about their less-than-ideal choice but those whose relationships lasted long managed to shut it down. It’s all very complicated, but humanity’s struggle for the truth was never simple. Some chose to live their lives one way, some chose another. Kaworu didn’t think there’s one true way, but it’s crucial to choose the path one thought is best for oneself.

On the television, he watched shows about the love stories between soulmates. People choosing to ignore their markings and get together with someone else, only to regret immensely when they’ve finally encountered their one and only. As such, common tropes include last minute wedding cancellations and breaking up with their current partners in the name of ‘true love’. Of course, they ended with happily ever after, usually with the main leads gazing endearingly at each other’s markings before pulling each other in for a tender embrace or a languid kiss.

It was all very sweet, but the questions never stopped coming and sometimes they kept him up at night. He still liked the idea of soulmates, how some people were meant to fit each other like puzzle pieces, or how some were water and fire but when put together they form a steamy romance. But he liked free will more than soulmates. If he loved someone better than his designated partner, so be it.

He first got his markings at the age of seven. His mother was helping him change his clothes when she let out a delighted gasp. Kaworu craned his neck to see what had surprised his mother, and felt her trace between his shoulder blades. And then he knew.

“What does it say, Mother?”

“It says ‘You forgot this’.” She laughed lightly. “Your soulmate must be a very thoughtful person.”

He hummed in thought. “Forget what? What would I forget?”

She ran her fingers through his hair fondly. “It’s anyone’s guess, dear. You’ll just have to wait and see.”

Kaworu wasn’t sure if he’d like that.

He didn’t like waiting for an answer. He liked to be in control of his life. He made his own decisions. It’s his choice whether or not to meet his soulmate.

From then on, Kaworu paid extra attention to his surroundings. He even got himself a planner to make sure he wouldn’t forget. The markings somehow struck him as a challenge. Call him stubborn, call him silly, Kaworu wanted to attempt defying fate. He’d like to see the universe hand him his soulmate while he made conscious effort to prevent it.

But just once, he decided to give fate a free pass. Just once. Because then it would be fair game. Sometimes you just had to give something and someone a chance to prove themselves.

On a late school afternoon, he walked out of the library, leaving his literature book on the table. His name was written on the first page, so the book will end up back to him no matter what.

After he was a few steps out of the library, he felt a light tap on the shoulder. His heartbeat quickened and he spun around. Before him stood a petite girl, who held out his book in one swift, crisp movement.

“This is yours.” Her voice was soft yet firm, as if every word was purposeful. She set a steady gaze at him, not breaking eye contact and Kaworu faintly noticed the unusual yet familiar red in her irises.

Kaworu released a breath he didn’t realise he was holding, and smiled politely.

“Thank you.” He took the book from her.

He soon learnt of her name. Ayanami Rei, a student one year his junior. She didn’t speak much, and Kaworu figured it’s because she felt like she didn’t need to. They got along surprisingly well, and sometimes Kaworu wondered if she was his non-soulmate _Platonic_ soulmate. It didn’t matter, though. They connected and that’s what mattered.

A few months after, they were on their way back home when Rei asked if he had his markings yet. He told her that yes, he got them when he was seven. He also shared with her what it read and how he thought she was going to be his soulmate when she first went after him.

Rei blinked, evidently a little taken aback by Kaworu’s disclosure. People normally didn’t reveal what their markings read as it could jeopardise their soulmate encounter. But Kaworu trusted Rei enough to know she wasn’t the type to share such information.

Turning away, Rei looked at somewhere far and retreated back into her thoughts. Kaworu understood and patiently waited until she was ready. “I… don’t have a marking.” She murmured without moving her gaze away.

Kaworu sensed her hesitancy and didn’t blame her. Being unmarked usually meant two things: their soulmate was already gone, or they did not have a soulmate to begin with and thus was an anomaly.

He didn’t know if losing a love that could never be or being an outcast was worse.

Rei wasn’t one to be concerned over how others viewed her, but he noticed her fidget and rested a reassuring hand on her shoulder. “It’s alright. You’re still the Rei I know, and I accept you all the same.”

She considered his words for a while, and then looked up at him and smiled softly. Kaworu thought it was a pretty look on her, but he kept his opinion to himself.

Soulmates didn’t have to be their end goal. It’s all part and parcel of life and so it’s something they can both live without.

That night, Kaworu turned his back towards the mirror and looked over his shoulder into his reflection. The words were obviously inverted, and Kaworu pondered over the significance of the marking’s placement. It could represent wings, but it felt ironic. Wings symbolise freedom, yet soulmates went against the idea of free will. Kaworu wondered if the reason the markings were carved there was that he disagreed with the system so much it was better if he had a tougher time looking at his markings.

It was a neat, careful scrawl. It wasn’t hard for Kaworu to imagine the kind of person his soulmate was. They were probably someone reserved, prim and proper. Maybe even a little shy and cautious. Kaworu admitted he was curious to know who his soulmate was. What was their favourite colour? Were they a cat person or a dog person? Favourite book? What were their thoughts on the limitations of Man’s capabilities to obtain knowledge? Would they want to have children?

Kaworu’s mouth set into thin, tight line and he casted a sorrowful gaze at his markings. A pity he would not learn of them.

He pulled his shirt back down and headed straight to bed. He dreamt of a faceless person who had the brightest smile and softest touch. And they were all directed at him and only him. Kaworu didn’t recall returning the gestures.

A few years passed and there he was at his favourite café, fresh out of high school and enjoying his cup of tea. His first sip was (surprisingly) a little too bitter for his liking, so he added two cubes of sugar in.

Huh. Just like his mother. Perhaps he was starting to miss her and Father, he thought in bemusement as he picked up the postcard kept neatly between the pages of his planner. It was a breathtaking photo of the Alps. They had flown over to Bern for a week. Kaworu was happy they decided to take a break. His father was so overstressed from work he barely had three hours of sleep every day for weeks.

A smile tugged at his lips as he imagined them having the time of their lives in Switzerland.

Finishing the last bit of his tea, he got up and headed for the door. There was a bookstore in the next street and he wanted to get the book Rei recommended him a few days ago.

He walked for a few metres when someone tapped him on the shoulder, jolting him out of his train of thoughts. Turning around, he found himself face-to-face with a stranger. A sense of déjà vu washed over him and a distant memory reminded him of the familiarity.

Then the boy opened his mouth and Kaworu had his breath knocked out of him.

* * *

_How kind of you._

Shinji never really expected people to be nice to him.

It’s very ironic how people thought of him as being fragile, yet they weren’t very tender with him.

His father wasn’t the most loving parent in the world. It wasn’t that he didn’t try to be a good father to Shinji, but things got so awkward between them after his mother passed on it was difficult to breathe in the same space as each other.

Losing a soulmate was a heart-wrenching thing. Feeling that bond snap, wither and disintegrate was agonising beyond imagination. Or so they said. But for a five-year-old child, Shinji couldn’t understand such complexity and only saw his father collapse into the unworthy remains of what he once was.

Gendo threw himself into his work. His office hours stretched. Shinji used to wait for him to come home. It was a habit inculcated in him when he used to cuddle up next to his mother. She would wrap her arms around him and hum the opening tunes to the late night shows. Sometimes, Shinji would fall asleep before his father returned and he would wake up the next day in his bed, his blanket warm and snug against him.

Shinji would still wake up in his bed, but somehow he was no longer enveloped by the same warmth.

Eventually, Gendou was so neck-deep he couldn’t tear himself away from work. He considered hiring a caretaker, but Shinji made an enormous fuss over it. It was upsetting that Father became colder and more distant from him when Mother left them both, but having a complete stranger barge into their lives and replace _her_ just downright shattered his heart. His father was all he had left. Shinji didn’t want to lose him too.

To Shinji’s relief, his father changed his mind. But it didn’t go the way he hoped it would. A few days later, his father came up to him and told him he was to go live with a distant family friend. Shinji asked how long. He didn’t reply.

Shinji met Katsuragi Misato once or twice before. She was bubbly and nice and got along well with them, but the thought of living with her suddenly left a bad taste in his mouth.

He thought he would be relieved at this change. His father was merely a fading shadow to Shinji, no longer the man he once knew. Living apart from him shouldn’t make any difference. But on the last day with his father, he clung onto his father’s leg and wept noisily into his trousers. Gendo said nothing and gently pried him off. “There’s no need to cry,” He simply said. There’s nothing practical in crying, because it wouldn’t change anything. Shinji knew that.

But he found himself resenting his father anyway.

Living with Misato was a totally different experience compared to his father. She was loud, vibrant, reckless, and almost everything which his father wasn’t. Almost. Shinji didn’t notice at first, for it was far less subtle, but Misato had her own problems to deal with as well. As much as she was his guardian, she couldn’t dedicate her every second of her life to take care of him. She’s no mother material, but she tried her best and that’s all Shinji could ask of her.

Sometimes, when she thought he was fast asleep, she would sneak into the kitchen, pull out several cans of beer from the fridge and down them in one go. He would peek timidly from his door, shifting his weight uncertainly as he watched her lining up yet another empty can on the lengthening row. Shinji didn’t really understand why she liked drinking those drinks so much (as careless as she was, Misato made sure he didn’t get one sip of beer, so he didn’t know how it tasted like), but he saw something similar on television. People did that when they were unhappy, so Shinji figured Misato was also unhappy and tried his best not to make things difficult for her. He learnt how to make simple dishes, how to dress properly, and how to do chores. Misato patted him on the back for being all “grown-up”.

He wouldn’t call it a kind gesture, but it was definitely a way to make things convenient for them both. It’s a win-win situation, really. Shinji was just being practical.

So when he got out of bed to take a shower and noticed an elegant scrawl carved across his chest, the first thing which struck his mind was: his soulmate must _really_ be a sarcastic one. Despite that thought, Shinji smiled. Misato would have been proud he used a word taught by her two weeks ago.

(“Mayonnaise and peanut butter make _such_ a good combination.” Misato squealed as she wolfed down her breakfast.)

“Yep.” Shinji forced the food down his throat. “Soooo good.”

Setting her bread down, Misato squinted at the boy. “You’re real sarcastic for a kid, ya know? How old are you again? Six?”

“’M Turning seven.” He stated, now a little excited at the thought of growing a year older. “And what’s ‘ _sercasic’_?”

“‘Sarcastic’. It means you don’t mean what you say, in a mean way.”

Shinji scrunched up his face. That sounded confusing. “You make all the sense, Misato.”

“You watch that smart mouth of yours, kid, or I’ll make you eat this for one week straight.”)

Shinji brushed his fingers across the markings, and felt his heart hammering against his ribcage. He’s heard all about those markings. They were supposed to be the first words one’s soulmate said to them. Everyone has only one designated soulmate. They could be _Romantic_ or _Platonic_ , and it’s up to the individual to figure out which category their soulmate belonged to. It didn’t matter to Shinji. This was someone out there who would love and accept him unconditionally. Who cares if they’re _Romantic_ or _Platonic_?

Sometimes, Shinji thought the idea of soulmates was ridiculous. Why let the universe decide for them who they were destined to be with? Why couldn’t they choose who they wanted to be with, or choose no one at all? Some people are happier without someone to tie them down. Misato didn’t get married to her soulmate and they fought all the time. But they always got back together one way or another, which confused Shinji to no ends.

Sometimes, Shinji didn’t believe in the idea of soulmates. But then he remembered how devastated his father was when he lost his soulmate. He was robbed of his happiness and his soul when life robbed him of Yui. Ikari Gendo was reduced into an empty shell. He had no more love left to give, and casted his son aside so he could continue to replay the past in his head and engross himself in the thoughts of what could have been.

And then Shinji believed in the idea and hated it.

The initial excitement swirling inside him twisted and morphed into something bitter. What if he didn’t like his soulmate? What if they just couldn’t get along? And what if, like his parents, they die before him and leave him emotionally crippled for the rest of his life?

He showed his markings to Misato when she woke up. Naturally, she was very happy for him, cooing at the thought of his soulmate and relentlessly teasing him the whole morning. (“And you’ll sweep them off their feet – or it could be the other way around, it doesn’t matter – and they’ll say the magic words! I can already _hear_ the wedding bells!”) Her enthusiasm made his heart a little lighter. It also made him a little ashamed for thinking so negatively about his soulmate.

But then as he grew up, he heard more instances where soulmates couldn’t or didn’t end up together. Unyielding family traditions and untimely deaths are just some of them. The strings of what-ifs slithered back to haunt him. Knowing more about the harsh realities of the world prepared him for a great deal for disappointments. But he would see one or two of his schoolmates in secondary school meeting their soulmates, and their friends would congratulate them with utmost childlike delight. Shinji envied the attention at times, and wondered how it would feel to be the centre of it all. It was considered lucky to encounter one’s soulmate at a young age. Some didn’t meet theirs until their hairs were grey and white, or with Death looming over their bodies, awaiting their last breath. Young love was indeed sweet, but it is also raw and naive. After the honeymoon period, problems blocked out by rose-tinted glasses could no longer be ignored.

Despite harbouring cynical feelings about the soulmate system, he was still battled between meeting his soulmate and avoiding them for the rest of his life. He wanted to meet them, be satisfied with knowing who they were and then just get back to living his own life. But he didn’t want to entertain his thoughts of living with his soulmate, and thus knowing nothing about the other half would make things easier for him.

Shinji hated himself for hoping, sometimes.

His phone buzzed and Shinji whipped it out to check the new message. It was from Misato, who texted him to tell him she wouldn’t be returning home for the night, so he would have to have dinner alone.

Shinji knew she was going to stay the night with her soulmate. She recently got back with Kaji, after not speaking to each other for two weeks because of God-knows-what reasons. Shinji liked Kaji, despite Misato’s late night rants about him. With his unexpected yet appreciated words of wisdom and tasteful jokes, Kaji was the closest father figure Shinji had gotten.

The pair hated each other too much to stay together permanently, but loved each other too much to choose someone else. Shinji’s now seventeen and he still didn’t understand how soulmates worked.

However, as much as he resented his father, he couldn’t deny his deep admiration for the bond he shared with his mother. Mother’s warm kind soul with Father’s unmoveable stoic spirit – he gave her something to dote on and she graced him with her endless love. She was the salt of his earth and light of his world.

Misato and Kaji’s relationship, on the other hand, was something straight out of a drama. Their whirlwind of a romance exhausted even Shinji. Misato was a force to be reckoned with while Kaji was a steady pillar of support. Unstoppable force meets unmoveable object – the irresistible force paradox.

But what better way to know more about this puzzle than to ask the pieces themselves?

“Misato, can I ask you about you and Kaji?”

Said woman choked on her coffee, causing some of it to spill on the table and Shinji winced guiltily. She grumbled under her breath at the mess as he reached for some paper towels. He supposed he never really had good timing for these sorts of things.

“Why do you wanna know about Kaji and me?” She shot him a wary glance. Shinji raised his palms in defence.

“I-I was just curious, you know, why you two still got back together. It’s not because of the soulmate thing, is it? Getting back together because soulmates are supposed to be meant for each other and all…”

Misato hummed in understanding, her sharp eyes observing her ward for a moment. “You’re still not in favour of this whole soulmate thing.”

“No, I’m not.”

Letting out a sigh, Misato leaned back against the chair.

“There’s nothing wrong with not getting along with your soulmate, Shinji.” She reasoned with a wistful smile which widened when a look of confusion crossed his face. “Soulmates are human too. We make mistakes, but that’s all part of life. You’re meant to accept every part of your one and only, but it doesn’t mean you will like everything about them. Kaji isn’t the most sensitive and loving soulmate there is out there, but neither am I. We both have our own problems, but we get through them together. That, I think, is what it means to be soulmates.”

Shinji felt like there was a weight off his shoulders. Hearing her explanation that soulmates weren’t just about rainbows and sunshine and perfection comforted him. People have been idealising the concept of soulmates to the point of worshipping. They put this concept up on a pedestal and thus failed to see the downside of it all. The latest hit song on the billboard was a soulful ballad about searching high and low for one’s soulmate and many lapped it up eagerly and cooed at the bittersweet song.

Love was indeed blind, Shinji thought, but people didn’t realise how pathetic they could become because of love.

“I just don’t want to end up like my father.”

Misato went stiff. She gaped at Shinji in muted shock. The silence stretched out between them and he opted to stare at the hardwood floor, suddenly finding fascination at the streaks of brown. Then he felt a hand cupping the back of his neck, pulling him in for a crushing embrace.

“Oh, Shinji.” She ran her fingers through his hair gently, almost like how his mother would do it, and he felt like he could stay like this forever.

“I can’t guarantee what happened to your father won’t happen to you,” Misato whispered softly as she pressed her cheek against his, “But I swear to you, if that happens, I will be there for you. You will not be alone, Shinji, and you are not alone. You have me and Kaji. You don’t need to have a soulmate to have a family.”

He started to tremble against her and he buried his head in the crook of her neck. If Misato noticed the telltale signs of crying, she didn’t say anything. She rubbed slow circles on his back soothingly and kept talking.

“I’m definitely not the best guardian, sister, or mother you can have, but you mean a lot of me, okay?”

His throat was too clamped up to utter a single word, so he managed a tight nod and tightened his arms around her. He had Misato. He had no need for a soulmate in his life.

* * *

Turning round a corner, Shinji finally reached his destination. He shot a wary look at the sign. Asuka had been singing praises about this particular café for _days_. Despite voicing his annoyance, it piqued his interest and Shinji just had to see for himself whether it lived up to its flattery. And also, he needed a day off from his studying. The final year of high school was absolutely suffocating.

True to her word, the café was bonzer. The wooden furniture and warm lights set a rather cosy atmosphere. Vintage photographs of landmarks were scattered across the walls artfully. The rich aroma of the roasted coffee beans wafted through the air. The indistinct chatter in the café was just a notch louder than the soft jazz music playing in the background. Shinji took it all in with an appreciative hum before walking to the counter.

He collected his cup of green tea latte and slipped into a corner seat. Blowing at his beverage, Shinji proceeded to take a sip. The bitterness of the green tea complemented the sweetness of the milk very nicely. Maybe he should listen to Asuka more often. At least, in regards to food and beverages. She had a sharp tongue, after all.

From the corner of his eye, a patron got up from his seat and left the café. He reflexively looked over his shoulder to watch him leave before turning back to his coffee. But as he turned his head, his keen eyes caught something amiss.

Shinji looked again and noticed a postcard left lying on the table.

A rush of spontaneity got Shinji on his feet and he reached for his bag and the forgotten postcard before dashing out of the café.

Craning his neck to get a better look, he spotted a tuft of ash grey in the sea of brown, black and blond. It was a miracle of miracles that the patron had a hair colour which distinguished himself from everyone else. Shinji wanted to call out to him, but for some strange reason, his voice was trapped in his throat. As if his body, mind and soul were holding him back from _something_.

Whatever. The faster he got to him, the faster he returned the postcard, the faster he could go back and relax. Shinji broke out into a jog and shimmied his way past the crowd. Embarrassment flooded him as he bumped into several people and almost tripped over his feet. But it didn’t matter. He just _had_ to get the item to the stranger. He better be grateful for the lengths Shinji had to go to for him.

Finally, he caught up to him and tapped him lightly on the shoulder. The stranger jerked to a stop and turned around.

If he was speechless then, he sure was speechless now.

The boy before him looked at him with eyes the brightest scarlet. It stood out starkly against his ivory skin. His thin lips were parted in muted surprise. Shinji wondered if it’s possible to look that good even when caught off guard. A model, perhaps.

Feeling a little tongue-tied, he decided it was better if he spoke less and did more. He held up the postcard.

“You forgot this.”

Immediately, the boy’s eyes snapped wider. He gawked at Shinji unblinkingly, and Shinji shrivelled up under the intensity of his gaze. He wanted to look away, but found that he couldn’t break away from it.

Then some newfound determination took over the stranger, causing a visible shift in him. His back straightened and his lips stretched into a polite smile.

“How kind of you.”

Shinji gasped. His grip on the postcard slackened, and it slid to the left. The other boy must have noticed the shocked revelation written across his face and smiled wryly in reply. He took the postcard from him.

“It’s you.” Shinji murmured, a little at loss of what to say. This was it. This was the moment. The magical moment when soulmates finally found each other.

But he didn’t want this to happen. He dreaded it. His soulmate was probably a really nice person who didn’t deserve to end up with someone like him.

The boy laughed, but the smile didn’t quite reach his eyes. “It’s me.”

“I’m, um, Shinji. Ikari Shinji.” He realised he was fidgeting, and stopped. Letting out a huff of breath, Shinji mentally berated himself for acting so ridiculous. Just say hi, get this over with, and walk away.

“Kaworu. Nagisa Kaworu. It’s a pleasure to meet you, Shinji.”

A moment of silence stretched between them as they exchanged glances, both a little too unsure of how to keep the conversation going. Shinji rocked on the balls of his feet, his heart palpitating at the tension. A pity his wits decided to abandon him at this untimely moment.

It was then he realised he was lost in his own thoughts and left Kaworu hanging from their awkward exchange. The other boy stared at him uncertainly, his eyes searching for a response.

“S-Sorry. I was just, uh, trying to take this all in.” Shinji shrugged jerkily, slightly dumbstruck. “Never really thought I’d meet my soulmate, you know.” And he never really wanted to meet him either.

Kaworu observed him carefully, his eyes searching and Shinji had the nagging urge to look away. “It’s alright. I’m not exactly enthusiastic about meeting my soulmate.”

Shinji sucked in a breath, not believing his ears. Kaworu’s confession sparked some hope in him and words rolled off his tongue before he could stop himself. “I just,” he sighed, “have bad experiences with soulmates. The couples I knew didn’t end very well.”

Kaworu’s face fell. “I’m sorry to hear that.”

“It’s nothing really.” He casually shrugged it off, and felt the other’s keen, quiet eyes analysing him. He wished he didn’t look at him like that, like he was peeling every layer of him and scrutinising his every word and movement. Feeling a little exposed under that watchful gaze, he decided to change the subject. “You were heading somewhere?”

 “Yes, I was. I was on my way to the bookstore nearby to get myself a book.”

 “Oh. What’s it called?”

“‘Beneath the Mask’. Have you heard of it?”

Shinji broke into a grin at the mention of his favourite book. “Oh, yeah! It’s a really good book. I especially love that part when the main character tried to---“ he clamped his mouth shut, eyes wide. “I almost told you a spoiler. Oops.”

There was a pause. Kaworu giggled. Then Shinji chuckled. And then they both broke out in laughter.

“We’re really bad at this, aren’t we?” Kaworu exclaimed, slightly breathless from laughing so hard.

Shinji took a deep breath to calm himself down, but a smile lingered on his lips. The laughter released the tension. He was starting to feel more comfortable around the other, and decided he should be a little bit more honest. “I didn’t want to meet you, no offence.”

“None taken.” Kaworu scratched his cheek. “To be honest, neither do I.”

They exchanged looks of surprise and let out exasperated chuckles, relieved for the mutual understanding.

“We could just walk away from each other, and go on with our lives without each other.” Shinji nodded, shoving his hand into his pocket.

Kaworu smiled. “We could.”

“It was nice meeting you, Kaworu.” He offered a sincere smile.

“We would have been very good friends, partners, perhaps even lovers.” Shinji didn’t sense a hopeful tone in his statement. It was merely a speculation. Just a possibility out of many other more.

“I know.”

Shinji told himself to turn around, step away from Kaworu and walk on and back into his life of deviance and independence. But he remained rooted to the ground. He couldn’t will his body to obey him. Kaworu had yet to move from where he stood, either.

It’s so silly how both of them were waiting for the other to make the first move.

“Goodbye, Kaworu.”

“Goodbye, Shinji.”

Convincing each other loud and clear that this was the first and last encounter they would have, was the motivation he needed. His legs finally listened to him and he took a small step back. And a bigger step. And then Shinji spun around on his heels and walked forward, away from Kaworu and out of his life.

They would be each other’s passing wind. A nice breeze which felt good, but only for a moment, never to repeat.

* * *

Two years had gone by since then. Kaworu was in his second year of university. He had his fair share of schoolwork woes and late night cramming, but life was alright.

He hadn’t seen his soulmate in two years. Nothing drastic had happened since then and he was perfectly fine with that.

Sometimes, he humoured his imagination with multiple scenarios if he had turned back, run to Shinji and asked him to stay.

But this was no fairytale. Shinji had his own personal disagreement with the soulmate system.

Figuring there was no use thinking of him, Kaworu snapped out of his thoughts. Blinking back into reality, his surroundings shifted back into focus.

He was alone in the music room. Seated before the grand piano, he had been playing some of his favourite scores until he became lost in his thoughts.

A familiar melody echoed in his mind and he recalled it being a theme song from a movie he watched last week. Kaworu hummed the tune and felt that it was pleasant enough for him to practice it on the piano. Deciding to take note of it lest he forgot, he reached into his bag. His hand swum around the inside of his bag, but the familiar feel of leather was missing.

Panic seized Kaworu for a split second. And then he realised, with a huge sigh of relief and slackened shoulders, that he had left it back in his dorm room. No matter. He was heading back there after this, anyway.

He stayed in the piano for another half hour, playing around with the piano and scribbling any slivers of inspiration on his scores, before he decided that it was time and packed up.

Exiting the music room, he proceeded to walk out of the campus. He turned sharply around a corner and found himself just centimetres away from someone and _closing in_ and Kaworu skidded to a halt.

The stranger jumped back with a gasp, also taken by surprise.

“Sorry, I wasn’t looking where I was g---“ Kaworu started, but cut himself off when he had a good look at whoever was in front of him.

Recognition lit up Shinji’s eyes, but his smile was reluctant, almost wry.

“It’s you again.”

“It’s me again.”

“I didn’t know you study here.”

“It’s my first year, actually. I’m taking Music.” Shinji twisted his body slightly to show Kaworu the cello hanging off his shoulders.

“Philosophy.”

Shinji looked down and raised an eyebrow. Following his gaze, Kaworu realised he was looking at his file of scores. “Ah. Playing the piano is a hobby of mine.” He explained.

“Oh, I see. But Philosophy, huh? It actually does suit you.”

“What do you mean?” Kaworu tilted his head.

Shinji rubbed his chin as he considered his words. “It’s the way you carry yourself, I guess.”

A cheeky smile found its way to his lips. “Are you calling me pretentious?”

“Gosh, no!” Shinji raised his hands to his lips. “Didn’t mean it in an offensive way, I swear. But then again you look like someone who says things in a roundabout way.”

Kaworu noticed the teasing glint in his eyes, and knew it was just a playful jab. He supposed two could play this game.

“I heard Music students spend all day cooped up in the studio. To some of them, their instruments are their social life.”

“I-I…” A blush crept up Shinji’s cheeks, colouring it a light pink. “I don’t always do that…”

Kaworu didn’t realise his words rang some truth and simpered, inwardly pleased with himself. “Of course you don’t.”

Shinji furrowed his eyebrows, staring at him intensely. Then his eyes lit up, clear as a cloudless night sky. “You were being sarcastic.”

Confusion clouded the other boy. Was it that surprising he was capable of sarcasm? He wasn’t that poor of a conversationalist, was he?

Baffled, he looked at Shinji who pressed his mouth against his fist, lost in his thoughts. Kaworu wasn’t sure what else to do, so he remained silent and waited.

A few seconds passed and Shinji too realised he was being impolite. Clearing his throat, he quickly apologised for it. Then he took in a deep breath, and exhaled.

“Look, I know we both said before that we don’t want anything to do with each other. I’m sure you’re a nice person, and you seem like one. But it’s the whole soulmate thing, you know? I can already imagine at least ten ways this could go wrong.”

“But there could also be at least ten ways this could go right.” He offered matter-of-factly.

The brunet raised an eyebrow, shooting him a pointed look. “And I thought you were on my side.”

“I am, but I’m wired to come up with counterarguments. I’m in Philosophy, remember?” Kaworu smiled good-naturedly.

Shinji groaned in mock annoyance. “I’d hate to argue with a Philosophy student.”

“It’s a blessing in disguise. You will discover more about life from the argument.”

He scrunched up his nose in distaste. “I think I have had enough with life to go by without knowing more about it.”

Kaworu looked down in thought, mulling over Shinji’s contempt for soulmates and then said, “It’s not because we’re both male, is it?”

“What?” Shinji raised his eyebrows in surprise. “No! No, it doesn’t have to do us being guys.”

Kaworu breathed a soft sigh of relief. “Oh, alright. I mean, I don’t either, but I just want to put it up there in case.”

"Like I said, bad experiences made me wary about getting together with you. But enough about me. I want to hear your reason. For rejecting me."

"Alright. But I want to hear the full story behind yours as well."

"Deal."

They walked to a nearby bench and sat on it. The tall, stone hallway was empty save for them both, leaving them with their much-needed privacy. The two boys sat a comfortable distance apart, surprised at themselves for feeling so at ease with each other's presence, in each other's spaces.

Kaworu offered to share first. "I don't really hate the idea of soulmates, technically. I just prefer the idea of free will. The liberty to make your own choices, which are not pre-decided by fate or the universe or whatever that is out there. If we don't restrict ourselves to societal norms, we can discover so much more. Have you heard of the scientific discovery of light being both a particle and wave?”

Shinji gave an affirmative hum. "Didn’t they prove it only recently even though it being theorised decades ago?”

Nodding, Kaworu continued his explanation. “Before scientists could capture both natures of light, they could only observe light behaving as either of them. They are two different things, yet light can appear as both. If light represents life, light particles represent people who choose fate over free will, and light waves represent those who choose free will over fate, these two kinds of people are able to exist together and neither are above the other. Just because we used to believe that we can only lead our lives with a soulmate doesn’t mean it’s the only way.”

“Wow,” Shinji breathed, “that was… eloquent?”

Kaworu beamed. “Thank you.”

Shinji bowed his head, eyes fixated on the stone tiles. Then, he began to narrate his story. “My parents are soulmates. After my mother died, my father neglected me and pushed the responsibility of caring for me to someone else. I hated him for dropping everything, even his own son, just because his soulmate was gone. My guardian was nice to me, but her relationship with her soulmate was like a hurricane. They’re so unstable it scared me sometimes. It makes me think that a relationship with soulmate could end up being either too intense or too finical. But whatever the case is, someone always gets hurt in the end. I don’t want to end up like that.”

It was brief but reluctantly emotive. Kaworu was a thoughtful listener. He made no remark but he looked at Shinji with such attentiveness it genuinely surprised him. He couldn’t think of someone who looked at him like that before.

"It's not unlike a personal vendetta against the soulmate system." Kaworu pointed out and Shinji made a face at the comment.

"Personal vendetta sounds pretty harsh. It’s more of conditioning?” The brunet curled in on himself. The people closest to him had such awful experiences with their soulmates. Naturally, he would try to prevent this from happening to him no matter what.

Kaworu didn’t look like he agreed to his methods, however. “Why do you let the sadness of others hinder your chase for happiness?”

An unexplainable anger flared within Shinji and he shot a fiery glare at the other. “So what if I do? Why must I put myself out there to blindly hope for this magical bliss when I risk the same amount of unhappiness?”

Kaworu’s eyes were sorrowful and somehow it irritated Shinji even more. He’d rather the boy fight back than to look at him so piteously. He didn’t need the sympathy.

“Shinji,” he started cautiously, “You are afraid. You fear the potential hurt which comes with being with your soulmate. But by doing so you are also stopping yourself from finding a sort of happiness just because someone else suffered from their own decisions.”

Said person bristled at his words. “What’s so wrong with being afraid? What’s so bad about not taking risks? Don’t we learn from other people’s mistakes? What’s so different about this one?”

“There is absolutely nothing wrong to be afraid. I was just concerned that this fear does not limit to soulmates, but also other relationships and life choices of yours.”

Feeling the anger rising up to his throat, Shinji let out a cold bark of laughter. “What gives you the right to tell me what to do, Kaworu? You said so yourself that you don’t want to end up with me, so why should you care about me?”

“You’re a friend to me. I want to help you see things better.” He stated calmly, but his eyes were wavering in worry.

“Thanks, but no thanks. My life may not be perfect, but I like the way things are now. I don’t need you to barge into my life and start spouting life advice just because we have our first words to each other on each other’s bodies.”

Eyes and ears burning hotly, Shinji spun on his heels and marched off. Kaworu called out to him weakly, but it fell on deaf ears.

After a while when his anger died down and he was calm enough to reflect on what Kaworu said, Shinji came to a terrible realisation that he got so riled up because every word he spoke was the truth. Shinji was intimidated by the idea of being so transparent to someone and having his deeply buried feelings laid out so openly before him. And so he stormed off burning with rage and shame, leaving ugly scorch marks in his wake.

Regretful over his words and actions, Shinji was torn between looking for Kaworu to apologise and avoiding him at all costs.

Perhaps the universe sensed his uncertainty and lack of resolve, for there was no sight of the soft-spoken and sensitive boy for a couple of months.

* * *

The third time they met was on a plane.

It was a cold and comforting December and Shinji was taking the first flight to Berlin. He had always wanted to visit Germany, with its rich history of music and illustrious sceneries.

He noticed a tuff of silver poking out in view and didn’t think much of it until he realised who it belonged to. As he walked closer, the familiar figure looked up and his eyes widened in surprise.

“…Hi.”

“Hello.”

“Fancy meeting a place like this in a boy like you.” Shinji attempted meekly and was relieved it got an amused chuckle from Kaworu. His guilt and awkwardness ebbed away slightly at the promising start.

“I could say the same. Where are you seated?”

Shinji casted a quick glance at his ticket. “Right next to you.” He replied, storing his bag in the overhead compartment. Kaworu smiled in reply, eyes crinkling. The brunet shrugged off his jacket and made himself comfortable next to the other boy.

“So, what are you planning to do in Berlin?”

“My grandparents are living there. Since my parents moved back to their old house in Berlin, I’ll be spending Christmas there.”

“I see. I’ll be spending Christmas there as well but I’ll be back before New Year’s.”

“Not spending it with your family?”

He shrugged. “They’ve got their own plans.” Misato would be out with Kaji and Ritsuko, and Father would be doing who-knows-what. Shinji, on the other hand, had a detailed plan set up for himself.

He heard Kaworu let up a hum of delight and turned to see what caught his attention. Kaworu was browsing the in-flight magazine and thumbed a particular movie listing. “What do you know, they have _The Little Prince_.”

Shinji leaned closer to look at the rest of the collection. “ _Departures_ is pretty good too.” He paused and added. “Not because I’m a Music student who plays the cello. That’s a reason, but not the only one.”

“Oh, I’m not the one making assumptions.” Kaworu commented lightly with a playful smile.

Shinji rolled his eyes, letting out a half-hearted groan. “Go on. Psychoanalyse me. Dig out my deep dark secrets. Expose my weaknesses and all the vulnerabilities that cripple me all my life.” He stopped short and winced inwardly for touching on a sensitive topic between them so ungracefully. But then Kaworu bounced back a response without missing a beat so he just rolled along with it.

“Keep talking, Ikari. It is working extremely well in your favour.” He drawled.

“And then with your razor-sharp observation skills, you pinpoint the source of my insecurities. You leave no stone unturned and I am utterly shocked by your accuracy. I, for the first time in my life, feel like somebody understands me like the back of their hand. I cannot comprehend how glass-transparent I am to you. You give me your final verdict and I break down, my stone cold heart finally melting at your radiance.” Shinji wondered if the other caught the implications in his words. (Not the melting part, obviously. He meant the transparent bit.)

“An Oscar-worthy plot, no doubt.” Kaworu quipped. “I am impossibly moved by your words.”

Shinji clicked his tongue in mock sorrow. “I should have switched to English, shouldn’t I?”

Kaworu let out a mournful sigh. “A waste of your talent as a playwright and an author, but I suppose you are skilled in many aspects. It won’t hurt to neglect one.”

A smile broke across Shinji’s face, but it disappeared just as quick and he retreated back to his own space. As much as he enjoyed this banter, there was an elephant in the room to address.

“Hey, Kaworu?”

Said boy hummed in response, tilting his head to look at Shinji. His gaze was gentle yet focused, making the brunet’s mouth go a little dry at the undivided attention.

“I-I’m sorry. From before. When I got mad at you. What you said about me was true and I got angry and panicked because of that. I shouldn’t have been so harsh on you, so I’m sorry.”

The corners of Kaworu’s mouth turned down, giving him a solemn look. “Your anger was understandable. I also want to apologise for speaking so tactlessly. I shouldn’t have been so insensitive.”

“The one being insensitive is me.” Shinji insisted. “You were trying to help, but I blasted at you for it.”

“But I am an outsider. I was in no place to tell you what to do.”

“But you---” Shinji pursed his lips, cutting himself mid-sentence. “This isn’t getting anywhere.”

“Shall we come to a consensus that we were both at fault and leave it as that?”

“Yep.”

There was a pause. And then a snigger escaped Shinji which prompted Kaworu to chuckle softly.

The screen before them lit up and began playing the safety video, indicating preparation for take-off. Kaworu’s eyes flickered to the window and Shinji followed his line of sight. The plane was slowly manoeuvring its way out of the airport apron. An in-flight chime rang overhead.

“I don’t want to end up miserable like my father.”

Kaworu turned back to face Shinji with a deep gaze.

“Life is so unpredictable. You’ll never know when something will slip past your fingers. A job. A family.” Shinji looked right at Kaworu. “A partner.

“I tell myself, if I don’t take risks I’ll be safe, even though that means that I stopped myself from an experience that might be good, worthwhile even. But I’ll be safe. I take the path which hurts me least. It’s a coward’s choice.” Shinji scoffed weakly, shaking his head.

Without hesitation, Kaworu reached out to hold Shinji’s hand. The brunet shot him a small smile and squeezed in response.

“Shinji, you’re not a coward for trying to avoid pain. It’s something called survival. And given your past, it’s understandable for you to resent the soulmate system and try to be part of it.”

“…But?”

Kaworu absent-mindedly rubbed circles on the back of Shinji’s hand. “But I’d like to get to know you better. Even if you weren’t my other half, I’d still choose to know you. I like talking to you, Shinji. You’re witty and we seem to share similar interests. If there isn’t something special between us over time, I’m willing to leave it at that and remain as your friend.”

“And if we do?”

“Then we do something about it.”

Shinji chuckled at the word choice but nodded nonetheless. At that response, Kaworu lit up, eyes bright and smile wide.

“You mentioned celebrating Christmas in Berlin?”

“Yeah, I did. Why?”

“My family usually prepares a really large Christmas meal. My grandmother makes delicious roast goose. I’m sure the rest of my family are more than happy to have another person over on Christmas Day.” There was a hopeful glint in Kaworu’s eyes.

Shinji considered his words carefully.

He wasn’t really sure what the universe was trying to tell him anymore.

Growing up with second-hand experience of the pain soulmates brought, he used it as a reminder to not follow their foolish footsteps.

But the connection he shared with Kaworu hinted at something promising, a potential relationship which could blossom into something beautiful. They weren’t as naïve as Shinji’s father, nor were they as stubborn as Misato and Kaji were at each other.

Perhaps this leap of faith was worth attempting.

He grinned. “The more the merrier, right?”

To be honest, this relationship of theirs started out rough and took a while to meet in the middle, but at least it was solely their own choices that led them to where they were now. What would happen next was anyone’s guess. Whether fate or free will drew up their path was what made life so irresistible.

And that was what made life such a paradox.

**Author's Note:**

> It took a while to finish this, but boy was it a ride.
> 
> I was inspired by the all-too-familiar soulmate concept, but integrating it into the world of Kawoshin was another story of its own. I wanted to explore a realistic setting of soulmates while emphasising on Kaworu and Shinji's opinion of the system, which is why it took some time for me to bring everything together. Doesn't help that I took a break from writing in the middle.
> 
> At the start, it was supposed to be a story with a happy ending where they ended up together. But as I typed, the story deviated from my intended ending because of how against they (or at least Shinji) were at the idea of soulmates. So this is what I ended up with. There was an additional part to the ending but I decided to scrap it in favour of an ambiguous end. So this is what it became.


End file.
